The Pain of Losing a Loved One

Losing a loved one to death because of a preventable disease is ultimately a very harsh reality anyone has to face in life. That happened to me of the first day of last Chinese New Year, I lost my aunt to lung cancer. I could never forget the fateful day, 26 January 2009, waking up to a text message on my mobile phone informing that my aunt had passed away early in the morning. The next thing I knew I was bawling my eyes out in front of my parents as I informed them of the sad news.

My late aunt was the wife to Mom's youngest brother. We were very close from the day she got married to my uncle. I remembered talking to her about many issues pertaining to my life and personal matters, she was a very open-minded and positive person and we shared a lot of things in common. She often encouraged me to enjoy and make the most out of my youth, in fact she often reminded me that "we are only young once in a lifetime" and I should seize the opportunities that come my way for my own benefit. In fact, she was the one of the very few people in my life to tell me to work hard and play hard and at the same time enjoy life to the fullest.

My late aunt was diagnosed with advanced stage lung cancer in April 2008. However, she kept the bad news from almost all family members, both her family and Mum's family until she could no longer hide the truth. I only found out about the truth four months after she was diagnosed of this dreaded disease. The shock of receiving the bad news was beyond belief. I was too stunned to say anything upon hearing it. Not to mention, I could not even shed the tears of sadness and grief. I was in a daze for weeks on end.

I tried my best to spend more time with my late aunt as I knew the days of her trying to just be alive is severely cut short by this ravaging disease. As there was no way I can show my indescribable sadness and grief, I compensated it by being strong emotionally for my late aunt as well as my uncle and their two young sons. The sadness and grief I was experiencing was beyond what I had experienced and could comprehend from past experience. I was finding it very difficult to channel my emotions in an appropriate manner. It felt as though the sadness and grief was consuming my physical and psychological well-being.

The magnitude of the sadness and grief were only felt the week following the funeral service. The reality of my late aunt's demise hit me really hard to the extreme I have never experienced before. I was crying my eyes out; trying my best to cope with the pain from the sadness and grief I have been keeping inside me for that five months. There were no words that can describe the emotional and psychological turmoil during this difficult period of bereavement.

Unknowingly, I have fallen into the vicious cycle of complicated bereavement. This is where one experiences the bereavement process beyond its normal duration of one year. It is really difficult to describe the actual experience of complicated bereavement but if one often find himself or herself to be unable to pick himself or herself out of the normal duration of bereavement within one year, then chances are he or she has fallen into the vicious cycle of complicated bereavement. However, I know I am able to rise above the challenge of picking myself out of this complicated bereavement, as I have been tested in similar situations in the past.

Life can be very unfair especially when we have been repeatedly "bashed up" by undesirable events throughout our lives; however, the survival instincts would usually kick into high gear to ensure we would be able to rise to challenging times in our lives. It is very much dependent on how we are able to cope with and handle them in an appropriate manner. As for me, dealing with pain of losing a loved one like my late aunt will be an extremely challenging experience but with the help of the guardian angels (you all know who you are - I don't have to mention any names) in my life, it would help make it less painful for me to cope with the challenging times in the future throughout my life.

I have my all my guardian angels to thank for making this often miserable life bearable. In return, I will try to reciprocate the kindness I have received from them all this time. I guess, in order for me to survive the harsh realities of this world is to "just keep swimming.... just keep swimming" like Dory from Finding Nemo often said, without any care in the world.... to keep searching for better things that I'm really meant for in life.

Lessons to be learned from the disasters in Padang, Samoa Islands and the Philippines

The recent major earthquake in Padang and Samoa Islands and typhoon bashing into the Philippines leaving trails of destruction and lost lives should prompt many of us lucky souls living in the relatively safe areas from natural disasters to stop and examine our own lives, especially on the things we often take for granted. There are many things I can really count my blessings for, despite the serious life's challenges and issues I am now facing:

1. The very blessed country I live in, with virtually endless food supply to the extent where people can start discarding excess food without sparing a second thought about others who are even deprived of staple food such as rice, bread and potatoes. This also includes safe drinking water and proper sanitation. I hate to see food and water go to waste. Thus, I always make sure every morsel of food and every drop of water are utilised properly, regardless of whether I get it for free or I have to pay for them.
2. Stop and smell the roses. How many of us stop and think that we should be thankful for all the things we have in our lives? I do this often but like most people, I tend to forget to 'stop and smell the roses', as I am also very much caught up in the rat race in life. One 911 survivor I know did that 'literally' on the exact time when the two planes slammed into WTC eight years ago. He decided spontaneously to stop at a nearby park on his way to his office located in WTC on the fateful day. The planes crashed into the buildings as he was enjoying the beauty of the park. On any other normal working day, he would already be in the office working furiously to meet the tight deadlines. This decsion saved his life.  
3. Treat other people with respect and accept them as the unique individuals they are. You will be treated likewise, if you can respect other people and accept them for their good points as well as not so good points. We are all only humans and we DO make mistakes.
4. Appreciate the simple things in life. This is probably the most underrated aspect in life for most people. Even for me, until I'd experienced DEATH knocking at my door not too long ago. Now that I am still very much alive and kicking, I try my best to take time to appreciate simple things in life; for example. the beauty of a full-bloom flower and birds chirping early in the morning. You will never know what tomorrow will bring, or you if are going to be alive to witness another day.
5. Treat Mother Nature with respect and never underestimate the wrath in which she can unleash. With the unstoppable rapid development around the globe, sustainable development should be the way of life for all of us. Do we want our future generations to inherit a battered Mother Nature to the extent she would not be able to function well for our family lineage? We are currently living in a vulnerable environment. It is time for us to rethink our way of life to live in harmony with Mother Nature. 

I think it will be good for all of us to take stock of our own lives (in which I am no exception) as well offer comfort and assistance to the victims of the above-mentioned disasters, which can be in the forms of cash, kind and even prayers. The power of prayers is an excellent spiritual, psychological, and emotional catharsis in times of need.

Amen to that.... 

Being hydrocephalic - Part 2

Source: www.sophysa.com

Fast forward to 25 April 2006.... It was the date I was diagnosed to be suffering from hydrocephalus. The initial diagnosis that was done did not rule out the fact I might have brain tumour. The shock of the news was beyond description, I spent days on end crying because I was in deep despair and fear of my life and future.

I was in the midst of writing the final project paper for my Master degree studies. I was at the verge of giving up in completing my Master degree studies; my parents were ready to give their consent, seeing me suffering tremendously from the pain I was experiencing. Only one other person who did not want to give her consent to me quitting my Master degree studies. She was very determined to see me walk down the stage to receive my Master degree during the upcoming convocation in September that same year. She was my project paper supervisor. She told me that I should concentrate to complete the project paper and she would negotiate the necessary deadlines to ensure I could attend the convocation ceremony that year.

I managed to complete my project paper within the deadline set by School of Graduate Studies. Exactly one week after handing in the project paper to my supervisor, I was in the operating room to undergo the ventriculo-peritoneal shunt insertion procedure. The date was 15 May 2006. My brain just stopped thinking at the moment I was being wheeled into the operating room. I had decided that the fact I would survived hydrocephalus was very much up to GOD's will.


The procedure lasted two hours. I remembered waking up in the observation area just outside the operating room. The nurse called me, saying the surgery was completed. I saw my neurosurgeon looking at me with a concerned expression. He wanted to know if I had experienced any neurological deficits from the just concluded procedure. I remembered telling him I was fine but still groggy from the general anaesthetic they had administrered during the procedure.


The recovery period took three months. It was the toughest three months I could ever recall in my entire life. I faced numerous side effects from the procedure and I never anticipated them to happen. My doctors did not even have an inkling of the kind of side effects I had experienced. The side effects started on the third day after the procedure, which I guessed was from the general anaesthetic I had been given. I thought the side effects would have subsided after a couple or days but it dragged on for three whole months.


I felt miserable and did not think much about the fact if I was able to attend the convocation at all in September that year. Honestly, I did not even care if I pass my Master degree studies. All I wanted was a life free from pain and suffering. I had always wondered why have I got to experience so much of pain and suffering compared to many of my peers who would just breeze through their lives without experiencing much of life's challenges like I did and still do. I just wanted a life where I can be contented with all that I have and make the most out of it.

Things began to improve after the three-month recovery period. I was able to attend the convocation ceremony in September 2006. In fact, my name was one of the last names to be approve by the University Senate for convocation. My health continued to improve and I was thankful and happy I was able to attend the convocation ceremony. I think my parents felt the same way I did, after we had all been through that year. However, I felt very sad only Dad was able to witness me walking down the stage to receive my Master degree.

Looking back, it was a long and challenging journey I had faced to be where I am today. I express my utmost gratitude to my family, lecturers who have taught me during my Master degree studies, friends and doctors who have treated me for my hydrocephalus - just for being there and continuously encouraging and rooting on for me to have the will to complete my studies and lead as normal a life as possible. This big challenge almost cost me my life but I guess being able to face it at a time where death was knocking at my door needs tremendous courage and love from the people who matters most in my life. I have learned to never underestimate the power and strength of human spirit, it was the main reason I am still very much alive today and I am grateful to everyone who made it happened for me....